An anonymous ex-gay writer at the PFOX MySpace blog posted an open letter:
Dear Ex-Ex Gay Organizations,
I really appreciate your concern for people like me, people you consider “ex-gays.” It’s really great to know that there are people out there that seem to want to help. According to your websites, you seem to really care for those of us who have been through the chaos and confusion of sexual identity issues.
However, your help is not wanted, nor needed.
I posted a comment in reply to the open letter which hasn’t been approved yet.
Here it is:
Hey there… my name is Steve. Off and on over a period of 2-3 years, starting shortly after PFOX created its YahooGroup for people to talk with each other, I was in gentle dialogue members and supporters of PFOX. When I had the privilege of meeting Regina Griggs face-to-face at a Love Won Out conference in 2006, it was great to finally know her smile, her laugh, her hug.
I come to you in peace, now, as well. I know it’s tough in the middle of the culture wars over issues of sexuality and faith, because enough people are angry and mean that it’s easy to assume that all people are that way.
I am the web developer for BeyondExGay.com, one of the sponsors of the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference.
The BeyondExGay.com project matters to me, in part, because I lost my partner, Dale, to suicide in 2000.
Suicide is complex; I don’t believe it can generally be nailed down to a simple cause, or that a finger of blame can be pointed in a single direction. But, one of the things Dale struggled with before he died was being told that he either needed to be ex-gay or leave his musical talents behind when he crossed the thresholds of churches he loved. He had shared his talents inside those churches as a self-taught pianist, organist, and choir director for decades. He had also spent most of his 46 years, 22 of them married, in prayer and Bible study, struggling to achieve peace and grace regarding his same-sex attractions. It devastated him to hear from otherwise loving and well-meaning pastors that he had not yet tried hard enough or long enough.
So, despite not participating in ex-gay ministries myself, I have been impacted by them. When Dale’s pastors tried give him hope by describing ex-gay life as a viable option, his despair deepened instead. I live with the knowledge that, despite being aware that it bothered him, I didn’t recognize how much until it was too late.
Of course my experience of struggling with difficult impacts of ex-gay experiences is not universal. I got to meet Randy Thomas the same day that I met Regina Griggs. He and I had communicated online. Even though our contacts had been sporadic, his face lit up when he recognized me. He’s got a warm smile and he gives great hugs. He’s a real person to me, and I wish him a good life. I am glad that he has found peace in his journey. I don’t want to change him or fix him. I don’t have any illusions that he (or any ex-gay folks) wants or needs my help in his journey.
Christine and Peterson, the founders of BeyondExGay.com, have similar sentiments about ex-gay indivicuals they know. The site’s home page states, “Certain people who currently identify as ex-gay say they are content as such. We don’t seek to invalidate their experience.”
At the same time, we need to tell people about our journeys. Our ex-gay experiences haven’t been all bad, quoting again from the home page: “Some of us received positive help through our ex-gay experiences. We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems.” In the end, though, we experienced more harm than help.
We have heard ex-gay groups described as cults, and those who have chosen to participate in them as duped. We find those stereotypes hurtful and demeaning to ex-gays and former ex-gays alike. By telling our stories, we hope people will see that there are valid reasons for seeking ex-gay experiences, that some folks have found them helpful, and yet there are also valid questions about the results and the personal costs attached to them for many of us.
My personal hope is that we all can be survivors, discovering peace, hope, light, grace, health, and community on our journeys. That is the beginning and the end of my prayer for you as well as me, for the folks who were at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference as well as the Exodus Freedom conference, for supporters of PFOX as well as PFLAG. Most of all, that is my prayer for the tender souls in our midst who, like Dale, struggle mightily for the smallest slivers of those gifts.
5 comments
Emproph says:
10-Jul-2007 at 4:27 am (UTC -6)
Steve that was perfect. Thanks for sharing all that and raising the bar.
I wish I had the grace that you and Christine and Peterson have.
Kellie says:
10-Jul-2007 at 8:10 am (UTC -6)
The fruits of the Spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control. Compare the open letter and Steve’s response and judge for yourselves. You will know them by their fruits. I am still struggling with my own questions yet reading Steve and Peterson’s responses gives me a picture of gay people being led by the Spirit. They don’t care who you are or what you believe in, they just care. Such grace…
pam ferguson says:
11-Jul-2007 at 12:19 am (UTC -6)
Steve,
This is such a graceful response. I admire the faith in your which enables you to choose kindness over meanness and peace in the midst of bitterness.
lauren says:
17-Jul-2007 at 2:09 pm (UTC -6)
the hard thing for both sides of this issue to accept is that there are loving people on both sides. the beyond ex gay folks are loving and desire to share the negative things that came out of their experiences. they also want to hear and share about the positive things people are experiencing. i read the comments on the letter steve mentions – they are affirming and positive. if they and others have had a good and life-changing experience through the ex-gay ministry, i think they are survivors as well. their stories need to be shared and heard just as much as the beyond ex-gay stories. i don’t believe all people can change which sex they are attracted to, but i do believe that gay, straight, bi, questioning and others can be spirit filled believers who make a positive difference in people’s lives. i desire to know those kinds of people and hear their words, no matter which side of this issue they are on.
Bose says:
18-Jul-2007 at 3:33 pm (UTC -6)
Thanks for your thoughts, Lauren…
I share your sense that all survivors should be heard and respected.
My experience challenges me to work first for the sorts of changes in our communities which will help all of us survive.
Take care…